Tag Archives: Hangover

Ho Ho Holy Shit..the Spotlight addition

Christmas mayhem..what do you know about it? I’m not talking about buying a lot of gifts in one trip to the mall, or decorating your house to the point where you neighbors are praying a group of vandals come over and mess your shit up.

I’m talking about being that asshole in the family that somehow turns Christmas into a night of aggressively drink and getting jolly’ed out of your mind. Now, before you start thinking that I somehow turned into an angel overnight, please re-read the Christmas Tequila Popper Story. I have 100% been a victim of the drink too much on Christmas, puke in the bathroom, and get screamed at the next morning club. However, this post isn’t about me, I’m the one that gets to pass the judgement around here.

Buckle up folks, Santa’s about to take this bitch from 0-60. (I’m enjoying these Christmas puns)

Let’s talk about some drunken moments that have occurred on or around Jesus’ birthday, shall we?

First up, my cousin JD. 

Which one am I talking about?

Ahhhh cousins, nothing can go wrong on Christmas Eve when you’re with family right? I mean besides the fact that my brother and I pretended we were 5 again and decided to match like our mom dressed us. But that’s beside the point. Believe it or not , our drunken Christmas Eve comes from the only lady in the grouping. The one and only JD.

Now, don’t get me wrong, she didn’t do anything horrible that you can’t come back from. Believe it or not, she was actually very funny. Here’s her back story. This was her senior year of college, she was studying like a beast for finals so she decided on Christmas Eve to knock a few back and really relax. Turn’s out she ended up getting pretty drunk and her volume went from a 3 to a 10. Her cheeks turned pretty red and then in a light scream she declared “I HAVE AN ASIAN GLOW!”. Naturally everyone cracked up, but the kicker here was that if you looked to your left, there just so happened to be a family of Asians at the next table. After JD made that proclamation she ended up needing some help coming back from the bathroom. To be honest, she 100% made my Christmas Eve that year. I can’t wait until this year.

__________________________________________

Next up, a regular at the Hangover Bible Headquarters..the one and only, ever so classy, Chaney. 

I hope once you see that little blurb about him you’re thinking to yourself “what the hell did this kid do now”. If you are, I am very happy you are thinking that because let me tell you, I have video evidence for this one. Chaney on Christmas Eve 2009 got way too drunk at his aunt’s house. Now for those of you that don’t know Chaney, when he gets very drunk he does and says whatever he wants. Insults flying, drunken rambling coming out of his mouth, snoring as loud as he possibly can, passing out in closets, honestly you name it he has done it. That’s why this video is so great. Chaney got way too drunk, pulled it out and started peeing in his Aunt”s living room on Christmas Eve. Luckily for the world, his little sister got it on tape. The video is hilarious, his sisters reaction is priceless. The house is decorated for Christmas and Chaney is even dressed nicely in a sweater and Khaki’s, urinating inside of a house.

…and everyone worries about their drunken uncles on Christmas? 

Have you had any drunken encounters during the holidays? Thanksgiving doesn’t count…

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New Spin on the Spotlight.

When you read the Spotlight do you ever think to yourself “damn, that’s me” or “my friend does the same exact shit”..well if you do, I want to hear it! 

Starting next Wednesday I will be expanding the Spotlight to everyone.

Email me at hangoverbible@gmail.com and give me a picture and a brief description and I will add them to the Spotlight. (You can keep their names or change their names, whatever you want)

Have it submitted by 11:59 Tuesday Night.  

Today’s Spotlight’s are Knots & Spads.

Both those nicknames sound like something an annoying kid would name their dog right?

First up, Knots.

Pain in the ass on the bed..

Knot’s is a full blown pain in the ass. Not a heavy drinker at all, more like an extreme lightweight. When she is drunk she has no rules and gets destructive. First thing to go is her volume control. She will basically talk to you in screaming form. Second thing to go would have to be her manners, she cut’s deep with her insults. A funny joke we all say about Knot’s is that she can take it and she most definitely can dish it. I know that was reversed but that is usually how it goes with her. Everyone will be joking around with and she will smile and laugh and bottle it up and when you are least expecting it, BOOOOOM…she hits you with an insult that makes you want to crawl in a ball. Touche Knotto.

Prime Memory of Lenknotto – We were all little Freshmen in college and we thought we were awesome. We went to LI to go out by Closs for the night. We had a pretty decent sized group and we were having a lot of fun. Ms. Knot’s got the drunkest, the quickest, and decided she was going to annoy the shit out of everyone for the rest of the night. First, she interrupted everyone’s pool game. Second, she started making jabs at the other girls, and finally, she decided to take a little red straw from the bar, light it on fire and proceed to blow it in my face. I let her do it for about 5 times and finally I decided to take the straw, put it in the fire and gently tap the skin on her hand. You would think I soaked her in gasoline, picked her up and threw her into a fire. She was threatening to sue, she was going to have me killed. You name it, I was going to experience it.

All in all, Knot’s is hilarious and I love her. Sure, she can be a pain in the ass, but every group needs one right? 

She was an animal at Deadmau5

 

And now..Spads 

bro'd out at Deadmau5

This guy will most definitely throw up the next morning. He is so nonchalant about it, its actually comical. “Hey Spads, what are you doing?” “Oh, i’ll be right back I need to puke”. It’s that simple, and its that non discreet. Spads is tied with Amanda on how loud one can actually be while throwing up. If there is one thing I can say about Spad’s that would keep it short and simple, yet speak volumes would have to be the word Woodjobs. I will never say anything else about it. He truly is Ellll Matadorrr (say it in a Spanish accent, roll your L’s and R’s)

Prime memory of Spads – Senior year of college, it was a Friday afternoon in April and we started day drinking. We were outside on my back porch, laughing, yelling and being loud. Someone’s pocket pussy got ripped apart and actually thrown on the side of the house. Next thing we know, a cop walks in the backyard and tells us to keep it down “You can’t be yelling shit like pocket pussy!”. We all stopped with the PP talk but continued to drink. We came up with this great idea to go to one of the girls houses and piss them off. Spads had an idea to slam dunk on their beer pong table. The group of us stumbled to the girls house, awkwardly sat around and then started a fake game of beer pong. All of a sudden a half Mexican went soaring through the air and split the girls table in half. When I tell you this was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life, i’m not kidding. I actually was on the floor in pain from laughing so hard and I pissed my pants.

I love you Spads.

The aftermath of that table..

 

Thats the Spotlight for this week folks. I’m looking forward to seeing your suggestions.

Follow me on twitter @getitant

 

 


Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Well this is a topic my mom can write about for days and days. She is a victim to owning about 25-30 ugly Christmas sweaters, but here is the kicker, she didn’t think they were ugly. My grandmother would buy my mom these horrid looking sweaters every year, and if you think it stopped at Christmas you are DEAD wrong. My mom owned tacky Halloween sweaters, long sleeve shirts, vests, and earrings. She owned Thanksgiving sweaters, long sleeve Thanksgiving shirts, Turkey vests, and Cornucopia earrings and she had an arsenal of Christmas sweaters, long sleeve Christmas shirts, Christmas vests, and Christmas earrings.  Whats worse than getting picked by your mom rocking mom jeans? Your mom rocking mom jeans, an obnoxious Christmas sweater, jingle belles on her ears, and a turtle neck with little ho ho ho’s all over her shirt. She looked like Santa drank too much the night before and threw up Christmas all over her.

Thankfully, two of her best friends told her it’s time to retire the “Cracker Factory Sweaters” and start dressing normal around the Holiday’s. It wasn’t an easy one but after some time the awful Christmas attire made it’s way to a box and was put in the attic for a long period of time. High School goes by, and it wasn’t until college that the ugly Christmas sweater made its re-debut.

My roommates and I got an invite to a friends ugly Christmas sweater party and I basically shit myself.  Everyone quickly to be creative and run to the nearest thrift shop and try to find the tackiest sweater that could possibly resemble Christmas. Luckily for me, my shit was vintage, and I knew for a fact that NOBODY would be rocking what I rocked. I drove home and told my mom the great news. She didn’t find it funny, and was frankly a little annoyed that her ‘expensive‘ sweaters would be used as a joke. I ended up taking 3 sweaters and a vest for myself and my roommates and I was ready to rock that party.

Best part is one of our family friends was at the party and his mom just so happens to be one of my moms best friends who told her to put the Christmas sweaters to rest. As soon as I walked in he came up to me and said “These are definitely your moms sweaters!”

Here are some pics, all the guys were styled by my mom’s God awful sweaters.

Trev rocking the tree, I'm in the red, Billy in the vest, Chris Kelz in the green

Thanks mom...

Full frontal of my creepy Christmas sledding scene..

If you plan on hosting an Ugly Christmas Sweater party this year, give me a call. I’ve got about 2 boxes of sweaters in my attic. Also for future reference , if you want pilgrims, I got pilgrims. If you want Cornucopias and Indians with Turkeys running around, I have those too. Halloween related sweaters are available upon request…

And I can say, with this post I officially started the Christmas Scene…are you ready for Christmas?


One big ass Recap – Birthday’s and Black Out’s

Alright everyone, this will be a long one because we are covering Thanksgiving Eve through the weekend. In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I don’t post on the weekends, Hangoverbible is strictly a Monday-Friday job. Weekends are spent “On Assignment”.

Enough with the foreplay..lets get dirty..

Wednesday Night – Thanksgiving Eve

Personally, I think Thanksgiving Eve isn’t the night to venture off somewhere. I think it’s fun to go out locally, get pretty disorderly and run into people you haven’t seen in awhile at the bars. That was exactly what I did. Nothing out of the norm that night. We started with a pregame at Derek’s apartment, went to the bar’s, waited on some lines. Spent a lot of money and that was it. Pretty standard Thanksgiving Eve. It wasn’t until I stopped for pizza, tried to go to another bar, then tried to go home, then tried to go to another bar, and finally noticed my brother driving home that the night went from 0 to 60. I basically got in the car pretty drunk and decided to yell and go on a drunken rant about cheap people and how I can’t stand them for the whole ride home. I kept going at McDonald’s, threw my fries all over the car, lost my burger somewhere and fell asleep. When we got home I decided to keep yelling, woke the whole family up and woke up the next morning with my laptop thrown, and my glasses crushed. It’s safe to say, I am a violent sleeper.

Thursday – Thanksgiving Day

It’s hard to pretend we’re all a peachy happy family when I had everyone up at 4 am to listen to my drunken rant. Since I hardly remembered it, I really don’t count it. My older brother was especially pissed because my drunken rant targeted his one specific friend. However, like I have stated in a previous post, if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. My Thanksgiving was spent eating and getting sick from all the wine. How was yours? 

Birthday’s and Black Out’s – Friday & Saturday 

Friday –

I basically lived in White Plains this weekend. Friday night Paul’s sister Michelle took us all to White Plains for her boyfriend George’s birthday. We started at a dinner and went to the bars after. At dinner a few great things happended. Somehow the topic of “Muff Diving” came up. Someone who I will leave nameless (It wasn’t a guy, and it wasn’t Michelle)  made a comment that was one for the books. “I don’t know how you guys go under the Muff”. Unexpected? Yes..Hilarious? You know it. Our table was pissed off because we clearly missed the BYOBaby policy at the bar. At around 11ish, the group next to us revealed that attached to the guy’s chest was a baby. Seeing a baby in a packed bar with music blasting is a sight very few get to see and I am damn proud I saw him. At the rate that baby is going, I can without a doubt see him on Jersey Shore Season 15. Another quote I have from Friday night is “Slap on a dick”. I really have no clue what that was from. I just have it on a memo in my phone saying “post on blog” . Overall the night was really fun, Terasita was ordering “Fun Shots”, we ventured off to the upstairs at Elements for a quick trip to Spain and then I got lost at the Hudson Grille.

Baby taking a rest from dancing

T's fun shots..

Saturday – 

Continuing the Birthday’s and Black Out’s theme I was originally supposed to go to the City. After basically everyone bailed on me I ended up going to another birthday in White Plains. We went to Thirsty Turtle, not gonna lie, last time I went there I was still in college, but it was fun as hell. Drod decided to buy 20 shots which is never a bad thing. She also debuted a new dance move which was very similiar to happy feet, again..never a bad thing. On the away home from White Plains I made another proclamation that I am changing my moving plans to White Plains, again. Paul and I tried to recruit Higgins but he wasn’t feeling it. His loss. After we were dropped off at Pearl River the night took a turn for the outrageous. We went to 1 bar for a little, I don’t even remember the bar. So if I spoke to you, disregard it all. Paul and I decided to get pizza, the place was closed and Domino’s had 5 more minutes until they closed. We both ordered a pie each and hailed a cab. In the cab I stressed the importance of voting to the cab driver for the whole ride home. He was black, and I informed him that a black president like him wouldn’t be awful and he should run or try to make a difference. I was dancing pretty close to crossing the line that night. I gave him a slice of pizza, three bags of stolen chips and let him come inside to take a piss. After he pissed he sat at my kitchen table and we ate pissed as I kept stressing the importance of voting. Ladies and Gent’s eating pizza in your house at 4am with a cab driver and talking politics is called hitting rock bottom.

Happy Feet and her new friend

Higgs, Happy feet and their new friend

Genie sighting

Overall great weekend..I changed my moving plans again, talked republican politics with my cab driver, and spent way too much funny.

 

What did you do this weekend?


Little Late Recap

Hello Hello…Sorry  I didn’t post yesterday, I won’t even sugarcoat it..I just really didn’t feel like it. Monday’s are hard to attempt to be funny on, so I figured lets just skip that day.

 

So lets pretend it’s Monday..roll up our sleeves and get dirty?

Friday

Friday night started at a wake and ended with a bar fight. Yes, a few hours separated these two incidents, but they still happened. After the wake I went over to my buddy’s apartment and a group of us drank until we were numb and decided to make way to the bars. Not gonna lie, this was possibly the longest pregame I have ever participated  in. I got there at around 9:30 and we didn’t go to the bars until it was 1:30.  Thankfully, the bars by us don’t close until 4am so we had some time. We started at one bar that was pretty dead, so we literally danced in a circle, pounded a few beers and moved on to the next one. The second bar we went too used to be a favorite of mine, but as of lately it started sucking. At around 3:30 a fight broke out that was one for the books. Bouncers ran over and couldn’t break it up, so the bartenders ran over to help, and finally when both failed, the cops had to run in. This isn’ t the first fight i’ve witnessed at this place.

1st Incident– Trev, Bri, Will, Justin, and myself went to this bar around Christmas time last year. We were by the bathroom and Trev bumped into this guy. (Total Accident) The guy was beyond pissed off and looked a little too much like DMX. The guy proceeded to scream in Trev’s face, and follow us around the bar. We tried talking to him to make the son of a bitch chill out and he just wouldn’t listen. It was at the point where he told us he would like to take us outside so that he can kill us. Meanwhile, keep in mind, while this insane little Pitbull of a person is telling us he wants to bash our skull in, Trev and I are looking at him like he has 8 heads and kept saying “You need to chill, he bumped into you and apologized”. Slowly, but surely this little Pitbull of a guy turned it into a race issue. Make a long story short the fight ended with him cracking a wise ass smile and putting his arm around us and telling us “You crackers fucked with the wrong n****”.  Till this day, whenever I spot him out I close my eyes and envision kicking him in the face, but I just look away.

2nd Incident – We all went to the same bar over the summer. There’s like 8 bars on this strip so hate it or love it you will be going to the same bars a lot. A group of us were dancing on the dance floor but these little bitchy girls decided they wanted to talk in the middle of the dance floor. They were getting heated that my buddy kept bumping them while he was dancing. One of us made a little comment along the lines of “it’s a dance floor, have your conversation to the sides” Naturally, they took this comment the same way they would take hearing that someone killed their grandmother. They were pissed. Half of us went to another bar while the other half went home. The remaining few decided to get pizza before calling it a night. It just so happens that the girls from the bar sat at the table next to us. Comments started flying around and one of their guy friends decided to come up to me to soothe sit situation. One of our girls Cait decided to tell him “If you hang out with pieces of shit like that, get the fuck away from us.” One of the girls walked over, grabbed Cait’s hand and slapped her, which sparked Cait jumping up and unleashing on this girl. We decided to wait about 5 minutes so that we wouldn’t have to run into them as we left, but sure enough as soon as we walked out, they were waiting. The girl went to go after Cait, but being a gentleman I jumped in front. After about the 6th slap to my face this little bitch made contact with her nail to my eye. If you know this story, you know what happened after..I won’t be repeating the rest. (Don’t worry, I didn’t hit a bitch)

Saturday 

Saturday was the Big Bad Bull’s birthday in the city. It was a lot of fun. A lot of our friends were there, we all took a lot of shots, and I tried sneaking into the VIP area for some Mozz Sticks. Interestingly enough, the birthday girl stayed at her party for about an hour. We missed our train so we got to the bar late, and the birthday girl had her own agenda. Only one thing funny happened on Saturday. One of our more obnoxious friends decided it was okay to walk out of her apartment with hot pink lips. This was one of the funniest sights of the night. As luck would have it, I took a picture for you.

hahaha

I had a blast with those bad boys.

Great idea

Sunday

As if i didn’t hate Sunday’s enough…

Well I woke up sunday morning from my friends place, we did a quick recap of the night, everyone was laughing having a great time. My hangover was hardly even there so I was ready to get home relax a little, shower and tailgate before the Jets game. Well if you haven’t learned from this blog yet, my life is never that easy. As I left, my car had a flat and I didn’t realize until I was in the middle of 287. Now, when you have Amanda in the car, pulling over on the side of the road is nothing out of the ordinary, but this time it wasn’t for her to puke. I’m guilty of being a little bitch and not knowing how to change a flat. I’ll put that on the bucket list. Trevor, my college roommate from Texas would have killed me. This guy can change a flat tire in give or take 4 minutes. Freshman year when he fixed my flat he informed me “That’s the problem with y’all New York bitches, Triple A, in Texas they throw us under the cars when we’re like 5.” We had to wait for the tow truck to come and fix it. Not a big deal at all, besides the fact that I looked like a fucking idiot. I had a on a yellow looney toon’s shirt that says “Da Crew”, purple and gold Lakers shorts, argyle socks and dress shoes. Let me tell you, when that tow truck driver got out of his truck to fix my flat and I looked like that…that was rock bottom. He was cool though, fixed it really fast and I accidently tipped him a 50 instead of a 20, after seeing his eyes light up I realized the mistake I made. The day got better once I got home and went to the Jets game, and then they lost.

There it is

 

This was supposed to be the "Rock Bottom" picture

Overall this weekend was a good one minus the little incident Sunday morning. How was your weekend & who else can’t change a tire? 


Thursday Throwback – Happy Birthday John!

Staying with the birthday theme for this week, I decided I would make the Throwback story this week birthday related. This was from our friends surprise party in the city.

John’s girlfriend, and Hangoverbible regular, Jill decided she was going to throw John a surprise party for his birthday. She planned a whole big open bar deal for everyone, she got all our friends from school to come, all his friends from home to come, and even some of his family. John had no clue about the party, so basically mission accomplished right? We all got to the bar pretty early, the bartender clearly wasn’t ready for all of us, he had no clue what he was doing; instead of giving us wristbands, he wrote huge X’s on our hands in sharpie. Finally, he got a hold of the situation and the night was off to a great start.

A lot of women were coming in, some were good looking, others were manly, we didn’t really think anything of it. Before John came, we all started noticing one thing, this was without a doubt a lesbain bar, and ALL the lesbians at this bar were giving us death stares as to why the hell we were there. Shit officially got awkward. I won’t lie, my grouping of friends are not the type that just blends in a situation, we like to have our presence known when we go out.

Shortly after that John walks in, we all yell surprise and continue on with our night. Had to proceed with caution though because these girls really didn’t like that we were there. Girl on girl on the dance floor, girl on girl going on at the tables, girl on girl at the bar, girl on girl everywhere. I’m sure some of you are thinking “Girl on girl? That doesn’t sound that bad” well half of these girls were giving looks like they wanted you the fuck out of the bar as soon as possible. The night was fun, everyone ended up getting very drunk, we were all pretty cool with the lesbians by the time the night ended.

However, one thing you need to know about me is that there rarely is a happy ending. This story will prove that. As we are all leaving, most of us had left already, and of course a fight breaks out. Some of our buddies got in a fight with what may have been the other group of straight people at the bar. I was already on the train when I started getting texts saying “FIGHT BROKE OUT, C***** HIT HIS HEAD AND ITS GUSHING BLOOD AND T**** GOT STABBED”. Naturally, I shit my pants..someone got stabbed? Is this a fucking joke? I called and texted everyone, didn’t really get any answers, so with there being not much that I can do at this point I got off the train, grabbed some McDonalds and went back to my friends house and waited for the aftermath to ensue.

Make a long story short, the stabbing wasn’t that bad..it was a nice little cut around his fingers, and the head trauma wasn’t really bad either. No one had to go to the hospital, all was well. At the end of the day, shit happens when you party with lesbians.

Birthday Boy

 

Finally, a pic of Pete

 

My usual routine when I go out

 

Mark DJ'ing

Whens your birthday and how did/do you celebrate?

 


Weekend Recap

I know i’m one of the thousands of people to say this on a Monday morning, but I seriously hate them. I can’t function at all, it just took me 3 attempts to type ‘best’  correctly on the computer.

Moving on, it’s the weekend recap. I get slack from a few people (Spanish & Sil) that the recap isn’t always as funny as they would like it to be, but 1. it’s Monday and 2. Can’t pretend funny shit happened when it didn’t.

Here we go…

Friday 

Friday night’s usually aren’t my favorite night to go out on. I’m kind of tired after the work week and I have no problem throwing in the towel if it won’t be worth it. I ended up going out to some bars by my house. Everytime I go out to this one place I usually hate it and i’m ready to leave after an hour. Luckily for me, it was a really good night. I personally don’t think 23 is old at all, but Friday night I kept looking around and everyone looked and seemed to be 18-19 tops. One of my weaknesses is that I never know what shot I want when i’m about to order it. Once the bartender got to me I ordered 5 shots, I didn’t know what kind to get so I looked back at a friend, and after taking terrible advice from that friend I made the big mistake of asking for just plain vodka. It tasted like warm rubbing alcohol and was just an expensive, garbage, idea.

Side note – The last time I ever willingly ordered a shot of just Vodka was when I was 17 and my roommate and I got into a bar by school and didn’t know what else to order. 6 years later and I do it again? Amateur Move…

Saturday 

Woke up Saturday morning with a hell of  a hangover. I have to admit, I didn’t see this one coming at all. It didn’t last that long though, so thank God for small miracles. If you feel nauseous in the morning and don’t want to pull the trigger, I found a remedy. Drink a glass of cold Milk. I did that and when I finished I felt 100% better. A few friends came over for the pregame, we played an intense game of Speed Quarters, I never played before and i’m pissed that I waited this long, the game is awesome. After a pretty impressive pregame we made our way to the bars. While at the bar I heard from like 5 people how they read and like my blog. So if you are one of those people reading this, you kinda just made your Hangoverbible debut. Naturally after hearing people loved the blog, I felt famous. I also am looking to move out, I saw a few places that I really liked, but my drunk self decided to let people know that I am moving and everyone is invited to the housewarming party. Once the shots started tasting like water it was time to go home.

Side note – A known joke about me is that whenever I go somewhere new with my friends, that night and the next morning I tell people I am moving to that place. So far I am moving to the City, Hoboken, Nyack, Long Beach, Hamptons, & Miami.

Sunday

Sunday is your standard hangover day for me. I’m dead in bed for the better part of the day, watch Football, eat, and HBO. Nothing too complex, right?

Strange side note – Didn’t leave the house at all yesterday.

Overall, very good weekend.

What did you do this weekend?