Tag Archives: blog

I’m Baaaaaack

I bet you never thought you would be reading this bad boy again. Well, you were right….and then I got bored. After a pretty long hiatus, i’ve decided to brush the dust off my soapbox and start spewing the random shit I like to throw out there again.

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote on this site…some enjoyable, some not so much, some ridiculous, some you can’t miss.

1. I actually have a real job now.
-So long are the days where I would sit at my dads office, pretending to be hard at work. Meanwhile all I did was gchat, tweet, Facebook, and recount my drunken antics for all to read. Lets face it, I was fired every other week, and from the posts I would write, it was obvious I didn’t do much of anything.

2. My hangovers are no longer full day affairs.
-Remember those days when opening both eyes at the same time so you can delete those late night text messages seemed like a chore? That was the least of my problems. I now go to the gym, and nothing says your fucked more than having to run and lift while sweating out vodka from the night before while convincing your trainer that you actually sweat that much on a regular basis.

3. I eat healthy now.
-You read that one correctly. I eat healthy now. (Pause for laughter) I’ve been on a health kick after my birthday. It was time for me to switch something up…however I can promise you, old habits 100% die hard. Its at the point where every time I drink I found the nearest pizza place at 4am and get 2 penne vodka slices….diet food, bro.

Now, did this post have you piss your pants? No. You will though, be patient. This was my way of letting you all know that I’m back, and I have tons of shit to say. I’m going to switch it up though, it won’t be all about drinking stories (even though those are the best) I’ll let you know about what common things just irritate the hell out of me, quality beats you don’t want to miss, the most ridiculous tinder convos of the week, and whatever else i’m thinking….let’s not lie, you know you missed me.

and i'm back

aaand I’m back

Oh, and in case you were wondering…#GIG is still kicking.

 


Dressing up just to get drunk

I have to admit, I love a good theme party, and with Christmas just around the corner, how many theme parties will you be attending? I’m sure everyone has the Ugly Sweater party to go to, or the Santa and his Hoe Hoe Hoe’s party. Think outside of the box though? Have you ever been to any out of the loop theme parties?

Here is a list of some of the memorable theme parties from the past. 

1. Strippers & Tippers, CEO’s & Corporate Hoe’s Parties. 

In High School those were all the rage. Actually any excuse for a girl to dress slutty and make a rhyme out of it just so happended to be something every girl wanted to do. Almost like a right of passage. Surfer Bro & Bikini Hoe, Football Bro & Cheerleader Hoe, Santa & His Hoe Hoe Hoe’s, the list can go on and on. **New Drinking Game Alert** Next time you are out, think of names that go with a group of friends, the friend that fucks it up takes a shot. (..and you say I don’t look out for you)

Problem with theme’s like those is that you can’t actually drink and party with strippers unless you are really tipping the hell out of them. They also usually bring a huge bodyguard with them or a small pimp with a gun. When you work in corporate America you will notice the CEO, but 98% of the women aka “corporate hoe’s” look like middle age’d, rundown, mothers that you don’t want dressed slutty.

2. The Highlighter Party 

That party was actually really fun. The girls of course got really into the theme with the way they set up the party and how they completely transformed their house. You walked in, they handed you highlighters, the whole house was turned to black lights, and they had white papers all over the walls. They basically allowed you to go crazy in their house. This was very out of the norm for the house the party was at because to put it nicely, one of the girls living their was as controlling as an abusive boyfriend. Word to the wise though on parties like these; just wear the plain white shirt, you aren’t a badass because you wore blue to the highlighter party.

Don't know why it's not blacklight

3. Candy Land /Neon Party

This was a pretty fun party. Basically the girls who lived at the house decided they wanted to throw a Candy Land party. You had to dress up in neon colors and that was it. They had candy land types of items all over the house. The people at the party were dressed so bright you could have had a migraine. The best part was the candy soaking in Vodka. It may have soaked a little too long because they were violent to eat. Just so happens this party was at Closs’ house at school. I’m starting to notice a little trend with Closs here..anyone else?

We rocked yellow

They rocked pink

4. The Fake theme party 

My personal favorite. One night we decided to call all our friends up and tell them we were having a black out party. All you had to do was wear black, and if you didn’t don’t expect to come in. Naturally, everyone called asking if this was a joke, and wanted to make sure everyone was dressing up. I assured them that they have nothing to worry about and that everyone will be dressed up. It was a great theme that no one thought of before..Emo. The first ever Emo theme party. Everyone started coming over our house dressed in black like a funeral just let out. Much to everyone’s surprise myself and my four roommates were dressed in the brightest color’s possible. Excellent idea. Sorry, don’t have a picture for this one.

5. White Trash Wedding

The Sorority at our school was known for throwing awesome parties. Thankfully, we knew a lot of girls in this Sorority so we got to go to all the parties. The best party I have ever went to that was a theme was the White Trash Wedding. They had a shit load of kegs, shots galore, a fake priest, a fake bride and groom, a fake bridal party, and we were all invited to the ceremony. The ceremony was hilarious; the priest was smoking a cigarette the whole time. We all had a champagne toast after the wedding and then started to aggressively drink. The best part about this wedding was that you HAD to get your outfit from the thrift shop. I rocked a creamsicle orange blazer, a bud light t-shirt and a whack ass tie. Best party ever.

A touch of class

Wow…I miss college.

What are some theme parties you’ve been to?


Ho Ho Holy Shit..the Spotlight addition

Christmas mayhem..what do you know about it? I’m not talking about buying a lot of gifts in one trip to the mall, or decorating your house to the point where you neighbors are praying a group of vandals come over and mess your shit up.

I’m talking about being that asshole in the family that somehow turns Christmas into a night of aggressively drink and getting jolly’ed out of your mind. Now, before you start thinking that I somehow turned into an angel overnight, please re-read the Christmas Tequila Popper Story. I have 100% been a victim of the drink too much on Christmas, puke in the bathroom, and get screamed at the next morning club. However, this post isn’t about me, I’m the one that gets to pass the judgement around here.

Buckle up folks, Santa’s about to take this bitch from 0-60. (I’m enjoying these Christmas puns)

Let’s talk about some drunken moments that have occurred on or around Jesus’ birthday, shall we?

First up, my cousin JD. 

Which one am I talking about?

Ahhhh cousins, nothing can go wrong on Christmas Eve when you’re with family right? I mean besides the fact that my brother and I pretended we were 5 again and decided to match like our mom dressed us. But that’s beside the point. Believe it or not , our drunken Christmas Eve comes from the only lady in the grouping. The one and only JD.

Now, don’t get me wrong, she didn’t do anything horrible that you can’t come back from. Believe it or not, she was actually very funny. Here’s her back story. This was her senior year of college, she was studying like a beast for finals so she decided on Christmas Eve to knock a few back and really relax. Turn’s out she ended up getting pretty drunk and her volume went from a 3 to a 10. Her cheeks turned pretty red and then in a light scream she declared “I HAVE AN ASIAN GLOW!”. Naturally everyone cracked up, but the kicker here was that if you looked to your left, there just so happened to be a family of Asians at the next table. After JD made that proclamation she ended up needing some help coming back from the bathroom. To be honest, she 100% made my Christmas Eve that year. I can’t wait until this year.

__________________________________________

Next up, a regular at the Hangover Bible Headquarters..the one and only, ever so classy, Chaney. 

I hope once you see that little blurb about him you’re thinking to yourself “what the hell did this kid do now”. If you are, I am very happy you are thinking that because let me tell you, I have video evidence for this one. Chaney on Christmas Eve 2009 got way too drunk at his aunt’s house. Now for those of you that don’t know Chaney, when he gets very drunk he does and says whatever he wants. Insults flying, drunken rambling coming out of his mouth, snoring as loud as he possibly can, passing out in closets, honestly you name it he has done it. That’s why this video is so great. Chaney got way too drunk, pulled it out and started peeing in his Aunt”s living room on Christmas Eve. Luckily for the world, his little sister got it on tape. The video is hilarious, his sisters reaction is priceless. The house is decorated for Christmas and Chaney is even dressed nicely in a sweater and Khaki’s, urinating inside of a house.

…and everyone worries about their drunken uncles on Christmas? 

Have you had any drunken encounters during the holidays? Thanksgiving doesn’t count…


I’m back..with a lot to say

It feels weird writing on this bad boy again, but I promise I have a legit reason as to why I have been MIA lately. I’m the asshole who gets blacked out drunk and wakes up with a concussion. Honestly, if someone held a gun to my head and asked me to tell them how it happened or they would shoot…well 1. that would be pretty aggressive on their part and 2. I would be dead. Thank you Everclear jello shots.

Let’s try to recap whatever part of last weekend I can rememebr. 

Last Saturday we all went to Closs’ on Long Island for a Christmas Party. Closs got very into the Christmas spirit, she decorated her house. she made Christmas drinks, hell she even made her Christmas shots with Everclear. The night was off to a great start, we were playing drinking games, picked our secret santa’s, continued playing drinking games and eventually went out. Sounds like a fun night right? However, from the initial hug’s hello until the time I hit my head, something went south.

I’m the asshole who didn’t realize that the Christmas shot’s were made with Everclear until the 5th one. I thought she may have had a heavy hand while pouring in the Vodka because after taking the jello shot you were burning inside. Then on to  the game, we played a game called “Shot Roulette”  which basically was take shot after shot after shot. I think I may have blacked out at the house before we went to the bar, because it’s starting to get blurry and I’m not even in the cab yet.

Once we got to the bar I can’t even tell you what happened, who I spoke to, what I spoke about or anything. The comical part about this is that I still don’t really mind that I was at that point. Is that Rock Bottom?

Here’s the kicker in this whole situation though. I am an organized drunk. I was blacked out, slammed my head into something that left me with a light concussion..but I woke up Sunday morning opended my back pack and saw my phone, my wallet, and my clothes folded. How many times  can you say that happened to you?

Sunday morning was terrible, I didn’t even really know I hit my head yet until someone reminded me and when I went to feel for a bump, my whole left side of my head was sore to the touch. I figured I was having a horrible hangover but it was much worse. The headache was pounding, like someone was constantly kicking me in the head, and I wanted to puke all day.

______________________

Here’s why I was gone for a full week…I went to the Doctor on Monday morning and he told me I had a light concussion, he basically said don’t watch TV, stay off the computer, don’t even think if you don’t have to. I heard that bad boy and I ran with it. I worked a total of a day 1/2 last week. Granted, it did really suck though, I had a splitting headache all day, when I tried to rebel and watch TV or go on my computer I would get sick to my stomach. Whether or not I felt better, I was 100% still going to Santacon.

Saturday 12/10/11 – Santacon. 

I’ve been waiting for Santacon since last December, so I didn’t give a shit if I needed to wrap my head up and put myself in a bubble I was going to drink heavily. Luckily, by Saturday I felt fine. We all went to White Plains in the morning, exchanged our gifts in our Santa Suits and then headed to the city for Santacon. Santacon was everything you can imagine. The streets were filled with Santas, it was almost like anything goes in the city that day. If you weren’t dressed in a Santa or Christmas related outfit, you stood out like a sore thumb.

South St. Seaport

That’s just some of the shit you would see that day. It was awesome though, drinking in public was basically no big deal, certainly not frowned upon. As we were walking to the next bar we saw a Santa with an old school boom box so we figured, we had to shake our shit.

Killin it

Believe it or not, mad people were dancing..not just us 2

We ended up going back to this bar we stopped to pee at earlier in the day. The best part was that we ended up going to a back room that no one would went into, and basically had the bar and room to ourself in the beginning. Some girls came in the room and since the bartender wasn’t there they decided to help themselves. Ladies were badass, literally behind the counter pouring themselves beer.

John, myself, Spads & Chaney

This was more towards the start of the day. Let me tell you right now, the pics will be getting worse. Before I show you those, here is a picture of the classiest of them all, Chaney.

hahahaha

There we go, now if that doesn’t get you in the Christmas spirit what will. If you watch American Horror Story, I’ll give you a few minutes to clean up after yourselves before I continue…

…..

……

….and we’re back. The drunker everyone got the funnier the night became. At the bar you would look over and see Santa’s shaking their shit on the dancefloor. Santa’s making out, Santa’s smoking cigarette’s, Santa’s throwing up. If a little kid saw this, they would be damaged for life.

Girls got dirty..

Told you the pictures were going to get worse..Wait till you see this next one.

Holy, Santa's Shitfaced

What tops a pic like that? A comment from his mom saying “It’s a good thing you’re not driving a sled!” on the Facebook picture.

Overall, Santacon was excellent. Mission accomplished.

Merry Christmas!

Did you go to Santacon? 

 


New Spin on the Spotlight.

When you read the Spotlight do you ever think to yourself “damn, that’s me” or “my friend does the same exact shit”..well if you do, I want to hear it! 

Starting next Wednesday I will be expanding the Spotlight to everyone.

Email me at hangoverbible@gmail.com and give me a picture and a brief description and I will add them to the Spotlight. (You can keep their names or change their names, whatever you want)

Have it submitted by 11:59 Tuesday Night.  

Today’s Spotlight’s are Knots & Spads.

Both those nicknames sound like something an annoying kid would name their dog right?

First up, Knots.

Pain in the ass on the bed..

Knot’s is a full blown pain in the ass. Not a heavy drinker at all, more like an extreme lightweight. When she is drunk she has no rules and gets destructive. First thing to go is her volume control. She will basically talk to you in screaming form. Second thing to go would have to be her manners, she cut’s deep with her insults. A funny joke we all say about Knot’s is that she can take it and she most definitely can dish it. I know that was reversed but that is usually how it goes with her. Everyone will be joking around with and she will smile and laugh and bottle it up and when you are least expecting it, BOOOOOM…she hits you with an insult that makes you want to crawl in a ball. Touche Knotto.

Prime Memory of Lenknotto – We were all little Freshmen in college and we thought we were awesome. We went to LI to go out by Closs for the night. We had a pretty decent sized group and we were having a lot of fun. Ms. Knot’s got the drunkest, the quickest, and decided she was going to annoy the shit out of everyone for the rest of the night. First, she interrupted everyone’s pool game. Second, she started making jabs at the other girls, and finally, she decided to take a little red straw from the bar, light it on fire and proceed to blow it in my face. I let her do it for about 5 times and finally I decided to take the straw, put it in the fire and gently tap the skin on her hand. You would think I soaked her in gasoline, picked her up and threw her into a fire. She was threatening to sue, she was going to have me killed. You name it, I was going to experience it.

All in all, Knot’s is hilarious and I love her. Sure, she can be a pain in the ass, but every group needs one right? 

She was an animal at Deadmau5

 

And now..Spads 

bro'd out at Deadmau5

This guy will most definitely throw up the next morning. He is so nonchalant about it, its actually comical. “Hey Spads, what are you doing?” “Oh, i’ll be right back I need to puke”. It’s that simple, and its that non discreet. Spads is tied with Amanda on how loud one can actually be while throwing up. If there is one thing I can say about Spad’s that would keep it short and simple, yet speak volumes would have to be the word Woodjobs. I will never say anything else about it. He truly is Ellll Matadorrr (say it in a Spanish accent, roll your L’s and R’s)

Prime memory of Spads – Senior year of college, it was a Friday afternoon in April and we started day drinking. We were outside on my back porch, laughing, yelling and being loud. Someone’s pocket pussy got ripped apart and actually thrown on the side of the house. Next thing we know, a cop walks in the backyard and tells us to keep it down “You can’t be yelling shit like pocket pussy!”. We all stopped with the PP talk but continued to drink. We came up with this great idea to go to one of the girls houses and piss them off. Spads had an idea to slam dunk on their beer pong table. The group of us stumbled to the girls house, awkwardly sat around and then started a fake game of beer pong. All of a sudden a half Mexican went soaring through the air and split the girls table in half. When I tell you this was one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life, i’m not kidding. I actually was on the floor in pain from laughing so hard and I pissed my pants.

I love you Spads.

The aftermath of that table..

 

Thats the Spotlight for this week folks. I’m looking forward to seeing your suggestions.

Follow me on twitter @getitant

 

 


Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Well this is a topic my mom can write about for days and days. She is a victim to owning about 25-30 ugly Christmas sweaters, but here is the kicker, she didn’t think they were ugly. My grandmother would buy my mom these horrid looking sweaters every year, and if you think it stopped at Christmas you are DEAD wrong. My mom owned tacky Halloween sweaters, long sleeve shirts, vests, and earrings. She owned Thanksgiving sweaters, long sleeve Thanksgiving shirts, Turkey vests, and Cornucopia earrings and she had an arsenal of Christmas sweaters, long sleeve Christmas shirts, Christmas vests, and Christmas earrings.  Whats worse than getting picked by your mom rocking mom jeans? Your mom rocking mom jeans, an obnoxious Christmas sweater, jingle belles on her ears, and a turtle neck with little ho ho ho’s all over her shirt. She looked like Santa drank too much the night before and threw up Christmas all over her.

Thankfully, two of her best friends told her it’s time to retire the “Cracker Factory Sweaters” and start dressing normal around the Holiday’s. It wasn’t an easy one but after some time the awful Christmas attire made it’s way to a box and was put in the attic for a long period of time. High School goes by, and it wasn’t until college that the ugly Christmas sweater made its re-debut.

My roommates and I got an invite to a friends ugly Christmas sweater party and I basically shit myself.  Everyone quickly to be creative and run to the nearest thrift shop and try to find the tackiest sweater that could possibly resemble Christmas. Luckily for me, my shit was vintage, and I knew for a fact that NOBODY would be rocking what I rocked. I drove home and told my mom the great news. She didn’t find it funny, and was frankly a little annoyed that her ‘expensive‘ sweaters would be used as a joke. I ended up taking 3 sweaters and a vest for myself and my roommates and I was ready to rock that party.

Best part is one of our family friends was at the party and his mom just so happens to be one of my moms best friends who told her to put the Christmas sweaters to rest. As soon as I walked in he came up to me and said “These are definitely your moms sweaters!”

Here are some pics, all the guys were styled by my mom’s God awful sweaters.

Trev rocking the tree, I'm in the red, Billy in the vest, Chris Kelz in the green

Thanks mom...

Full frontal of my creepy Christmas sledding scene..

If you plan on hosting an Ugly Christmas Sweater party this year, give me a call. I’ve got about 2 boxes of sweaters in my attic. Also for future reference , if you want pilgrims, I got pilgrims. If you want Cornucopias and Indians with Turkeys running around, I have those too. Halloween related sweaters are available upon request…

And I can say, with this post I officially started the Christmas Scene…are you ready for Christmas?


One big ass Recap – Birthday’s and Black Out’s

Alright everyone, this will be a long one because we are covering Thanksgiving Eve through the weekend. In case you haven’t picked up on it yet, I don’t post on the weekends, Hangoverbible is strictly a Monday-Friday job. Weekends are spent “On Assignment”.

Enough with the foreplay..lets get dirty..

Wednesday Night – Thanksgiving Eve

Personally, I think Thanksgiving Eve isn’t the night to venture off somewhere. I think it’s fun to go out locally, get pretty disorderly and run into people you haven’t seen in awhile at the bars. That was exactly what I did. Nothing out of the norm that night. We started with a pregame at Derek’s apartment, went to the bar’s, waited on some lines. Spent a lot of money and that was it. Pretty standard Thanksgiving Eve. It wasn’t until I stopped for pizza, tried to go to another bar, then tried to go home, then tried to go to another bar, and finally noticed my brother driving home that the night went from 0 to 60. I basically got in the car pretty drunk and decided to yell and go on a drunken rant about cheap people and how I can’t stand them for the whole ride home. I kept going at McDonald’s, threw my fries all over the car, lost my burger somewhere and fell asleep. When we got home I decided to keep yelling, woke the whole family up and woke up the next morning with my laptop thrown, and my glasses crushed. It’s safe to say, I am a violent sleeper.

Thursday – Thanksgiving Day

It’s hard to pretend we’re all a peachy happy family when I had everyone up at 4 am to listen to my drunken rant. Since I hardly remembered it, I really don’t count it. My older brother was especially pissed because my drunken rant targeted his one specific friend. However, like I have stated in a previous post, if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. My Thanksgiving was spent eating and getting sick from all the wine. How was yours? 

Birthday’s and Black Out’s – Friday & Saturday 

Friday –

I basically lived in White Plains this weekend. Friday night Paul’s sister Michelle took us all to White Plains for her boyfriend George’s birthday. We started at a dinner and went to the bars after. At dinner a few great things happended. Somehow the topic of “Muff Diving” came up. Someone who I will leave nameless (It wasn’t a guy, and it wasn’t Michelle)  made a comment that was one for the books. “I don’t know how you guys go under the Muff”. Unexpected? Yes..Hilarious? You know it. Our table was pissed off because we clearly missed the BYOBaby policy at the bar. At around 11ish, the group next to us revealed that attached to the guy’s chest was a baby. Seeing a baby in a packed bar with music blasting is a sight very few get to see and I am damn proud I saw him. At the rate that baby is going, I can without a doubt see him on Jersey Shore Season 15. Another quote I have from Friday night is “Slap on a dick”. I really have no clue what that was from. I just have it on a memo in my phone saying “post on blog” . Overall the night was really fun, Terasita was ordering “Fun Shots”, we ventured off to the upstairs at Elements for a quick trip to Spain and then I got lost at the Hudson Grille.

Baby taking a rest from dancing

T's fun shots..

Saturday – 

Continuing the Birthday’s and Black Out’s theme I was originally supposed to go to the City. After basically everyone bailed on me I ended up going to another birthday in White Plains. We went to Thirsty Turtle, not gonna lie, last time I went there I was still in college, but it was fun as hell. Drod decided to buy 20 shots which is never a bad thing. She also debuted a new dance move which was very similiar to happy feet, again..never a bad thing. On the away home from White Plains I made another proclamation that I am changing my moving plans to White Plains, again. Paul and I tried to recruit Higgins but he wasn’t feeling it. His loss. After we were dropped off at Pearl River the night took a turn for the outrageous. We went to 1 bar for a little, I don’t even remember the bar. So if I spoke to you, disregard it all. Paul and I decided to get pizza, the place was closed and Domino’s had 5 more minutes until they closed. We both ordered a pie each and hailed a cab. In the cab I stressed the importance of voting to the cab driver for the whole ride home. He was black, and I informed him that a black president like him wouldn’t be awful and he should run or try to make a difference. I was dancing pretty close to crossing the line that night. I gave him a slice of pizza, three bags of stolen chips and let him come inside to take a piss. After he pissed he sat at my kitchen table and we ate pissed as I kept stressing the importance of voting. Ladies and Gent’s eating pizza in your house at 4am with a cab driver and talking politics is called hitting rock bottom.

Happy Feet and her new friend

Higgs, Happy feet and their new friend

Genie sighting

Overall great weekend..I changed my moving plans again, talked republican politics with my cab driver, and spent way too much funny.

 

What did you do this weekend?