Category Archives: Holidays

Dressing up just to get drunk

I have to admit, I love a good theme party, and with Christmas just around the corner, how many theme parties will you be attending? I’m sure everyone has the Ugly Sweater party to go to, or the Santa and his Hoe Hoe Hoe’s party. Think outside of the box though? Have you ever been to any out of the loop theme parties?

Here is a list of some of the memorable theme parties from the past. 

1. Strippers & Tippers, CEO’s & Corporate Hoe’s Parties. 

In High School those were all the rage. Actually any excuse for a girl to dress slutty and make a rhyme out of it just so happended to be something every girl wanted to do. Almost like a right of passage. Surfer Bro & Bikini Hoe, Football Bro & Cheerleader Hoe, Santa & His Hoe Hoe Hoe’s, the list can go on and on. **New Drinking Game Alert** Next time you are out, think of names that go with a group of friends, the friend that fucks it up takes a shot. (..and you say I don’t look out for you)

Problem with theme’s like those is that you can’t actually drink and party with strippers unless you are really tipping the hell out of them. They also usually bring a huge bodyguard with them or a small pimp with a gun. When you work in corporate America you will notice the CEO, but 98% of the women aka “corporate hoe’s” look like middle age’d, rundown, mothers that you don’t want dressed slutty.

2. The Highlighter Party 

That party was actually really fun. The girls of course got really into the theme with the way they set up the party and how they completely transformed their house. You walked in, they handed you highlighters, the whole house was turned to black lights, and they had white papers all over the walls. They basically allowed you to go crazy in their house. This was very out of the norm for the house the party was at because to put it nicely, one of the girls living their was as controlling as an abusive boyfriend. Word to the wise though on parties like these; just wear the plain white shirt, you aren’t a badass because you wore blue to the highlighter party.

Don't know why it's not blacklight

3. Candy Land /Neon Party

This was a pretty fun party. Basically the girls who lived at the house decided they wanted to throw a Candy Land party. You had to dress up in neon colors and that was it. They had candy land types of items all over the house. The people at the party were dressed so bright you could have had a migraine. The best part was the candy soaking in Vodka. It may have soaked a little too long because they were violent to eat. Just so happens this party was at Closs’ house at school. I’m starting to notice a little trend with Closs here..anyone else?

We rocked yellow

They rocked pink

4. The Fake theme party 

My personal favorite. One night we decided to call all our friends up and tell them we were having a black out party. All you had to do was wear black, and if you didn’t don’t expect to come in. Naturally, everyone called asking if this was a joke, and wanted to make sure everyone was dressing up. I assured them that they have nothing to worry about and that everyone will be dressed up. It was a great theme that no one thought of before..Emo. The first ever Emo theme party. Everyone started coming over our house dressed in black like a funeral just let out. Much to everyone’s surprise myself and my four roommates were dressed in the brightest color’s possible. Excellent idea. Sorry, don’t have a picture for this one.

5. White Trash Wedding

The Sorority at our school was known for throwing awesome parties. Thankfully, we knew a lot of girls in this Sorority so we got to go to all the parties. The best party I have ever went to that was a theme was the White Trash Wedding. They had a shit load of kegs, shots galore, a fake priest, a fake bride and groom, a fake bridal party, and we were all invited to the ceremony. The ceremony was hilarious; the priest was smoking a cigarette the whole time. We all had a champagne toast after the wedding and then started to aggressively drink. The best part about this wedding was that you HAD to get your outfit from the thrift shop. I rocked a creamsicle orange blazer, a bud light t-shirt and a whack ass tie. Best party ever.

A touch of class

Wow…I miss college.

What are some theme parties you’ve been to?

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Ho Ho Holy Shit..the Spotlight addition

Christmas mayhem..what do you know about it? I’m not talking about buying a lot of gifts in one trip to the mall, or decorating your house to the point where you neighbors are praying a group of vandals come over and mess your shit up.

I’m talking about being that asshole in the family that somehow turns Christmas into a night of aggressively drink and getting jolly’ed out of your mind. Now, before you start thinking that I somehow turned into an angel overnight, please re-read the Christmas Tequila Popper Story. I have 100% been a victim of the drink too much on Christmas, puke in the bathroom, and get screamed at the next morning club. However, this post isn’t about me, I’m the one that gets to pass the judgement around here.

Buckle up folks, Santa’s about to take this bitch from 0-60. (I’m enjoying these Christmas puns)

Let’s talk about some drunken moments that have occurred on or around Jesus’ birthday, shall we?

First up, my cousin JD. 

Which one am I talking about?

Ahhhh cousins, nothing can go wrong on Christmas Eve when you’re with family right? I mean besides the fact that my brother and I pretended we were 5 again and decided to match like our mom dressed us. But that’s beside the point. Believe it or not , our drunken Christmas Eve comes from the only lady in the grouping. The one and only JD.

Now, don’t get me wrong, she didn’t do anything horrible that you can’t come back from. Believe it or not, she was actually very funny. Here’s her back story. This was her senior year of college, she was studying like a beast for finals so she decided on Christmas Eve to knock a few back and really relax. Turn’s out she ended up getting pretty drunk and her volume went from a 3 to a 10. Her cheeks turned pretty red and then in a light scream she declared “I HAVE AN ASIAN GLOW!”. Naturally everyone cracked up, but the kicker here was that if you looked to your left, there just so happened to be a family of Asians at the next table. After JD made that proclamation she ended up needing some help coming back from the bathroom. To be honest, she 100% made my Christmas Eve that year. I can’t wait until this year.

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Next up, a regular at the Hangover Bible Headquarters..the one and only, ever so classy, Chaney. 

I hope once you see that little blurb about him you’re thinking to yourself “what the hell did this kid do now”. If you are, I am very happy you are thinking that because let me tell you, I have video evidence for this one. Chaney on Christmas Eve 2009 got way too drunk at his aunt’s house. Now for those of you that don’t know Chaney, when he gets very drunk he does and says whatever he wants. Insults flying, drunken rambling coming out of his mouth, snoring as loud as he possibly can, passing out in closets, honestly you name it he has done it. That’s why this video is so great. Chaney got way too drunk, pulled it out and started peeing in his Aunt”s living room on Christmas Eve. Luckily for the world, his little sister got it on tape. The video is hilarious, his sisters reaction is priceless. The house is decorated for Christmas and Chaney is even dressed nicely in a sweater and Khaki’s, urinating inside of a house.

…and everyone worries about their drunken uncles on Christmas? 

Have you had any drunken encounters during the holidays? Thanksgiving doesn’t count…


I’m back..with a lot to say

It feels weird writing on this bad boy again, but I promise I have a legit reason as to why I have been MIA lately. I’m the asshole who gets blacked out drunk and wakes up with a concussion. Honestly, if someone held a gun to my head and asked me to tell them how it happened or they would shoot…well 1. that would be pretty aggressive on their part and 2. I would be dead. Thank you Everclear jello shots.

Let’s try to recap whatever part of last weekend I can rememebr. 

Last Saturday we all went to Closs’ on Long Island for a Christmas Party. Closs got very into the Christmas spirit, she decorated her house. she made Christmas drinks, hell she even made her Christmas shots with Everclear. The night was off to a great start, we were playing drinking games, picked our secret santa’s, continued playing drinking games and eventually went out. Sounds like a fun night right? However, from the initial hug’s hello until the time I hit my head, something went south.

I’m the asshole who didn’t realize that the Christmas shot’s were made with Everclear until the 5th one. I thought she may have had a heavy hand while pouring in the Vodka because after taking the jello shot you were burning inside. Then on to  the game, we played a game called “Shot Roulette”  which basically was take shot after shot after shot. I think I may have blacked out at the house before we went to the bar, because it’s starting to get blurry and I’m not even in the cab yet.

Once we got to the bar I can’t even tell you what happened, who I spoke to, what I spoke about or anything. The comical part about this is that I still don’t really mind that I was at that point. Is that Rock Bottom?

Here’s the kicker in this whole situation though. I am an organized drunk. I was blacked out, slammed my head into something that left me with a light concussion..but I woke up Sunday morning opended my back pack and saw my phone, my wallet, and my clothes folded. How many times  can you say that happened to you?

Sunday morning was terrible, I didn’t even really know I hit my head yet until someone reminded me and when I went to feel for a bump, my whole left side of my head was sore to the touch. I figured I was having a horrible hangover but it was much worse. The headache was pounding, like someone was constantly kicking me in the head, and I wanted to puke all day.

______________________

Here’s why I was gone for a full week…I went to the Doctor on Monday morning and he told me I had a light concussion, he basically said don’t watch TV, stay off the computer, don’t even think if you don’t have to. I heard that bad boy and I ran with it. I worked a total of a day 1/2 last week. Granted, it did really suck though, I had a splitting headache all day, when I tried to rebel and watch TV or go on my computer I would get sick to my stomach. Whether or not I felt better, I was 100% still going to Santacon.

Saturday 12/10/11 – Santacon. 

I’ve been waiting for Santacon since last December, so I didn’t give a shit if I needed to wrap my head up and put myself in a bubble I was going to drink heavily. Luckily, by Saturday I felt fine. We all went to White Plains in the morning, exchanged our gifts in our Santa Suits and then headed to the city for Santacon. Santacon was everything you can imagine. The streets were filled with Santas, it was almost like anything goes in the city that day. If you weren’t dressed in a Santa or Christmas related outfit, you stood out like a sore thumb.

South St. Seaport

That’s just some of the shit you would see that day. It was awesome though, drinking in public was basically no big deal, certainly not frowned upon. As we were walking to the next bar we saw a Santa with an old school boom box so we figured, we had to shake our shit.

Killin it

Believe it or not, mad people were dancing..not just us 2

We ended up going back to this bar we stopped to pee at earlier in the day. The best part was that we ended up going to a back room that no one would went into, and basically had the bar and room to ourself in the beginning. Some girls came in the room and since the bartender wasn’t there they decided to help themselves. Ladies were badass, literally behind the counter pouring themselves beer.

John, myself, Spads & Chaney

This was more towards the start of the day. Let me tell you right now, the pics will be getting worse. Before I show you those, here is a picture of the classiest of them all, Chaney.

hahahaha

There we go, now if that doesn’t get you in the Christmas spirit what will. If you watch American Horror Story, I’ll give you a few minutes to clean up after yourselves before I continue…

…..

……

….and we’re back. The drunker everyone got the funnier the night became. At the bar you would look over and see Santa’s shaking their shit on the dancefloor. Santa’s making out, Santa’s smoking cigarette’s, Santa’s throwing up. If a little kid saw this, they would be damaged for life.

Girls got dirty..

Told you the pictures were going to get worse..Wait till you see this next one.

Holy, Santa's Shitfaced

What tops a pic like that? A comment from his mom saying “It’s a good thing you’re not driving a sled!” on the Facebook picture.

Overall, Santacon was excellent. Mission accomplished.

Merry Christmas!

Did you go to Santacon? 

 


Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Well this is a topic my mom can write about for days and days. She is a victim to owning about 25-30 ugly Christmas sweaters, but here is the kicker, she didn’t think they were ugly. My grandmother would buy my mom these horrid looking sweaters every year, and if you think it stopped at Christmas you are DEAD wrong. My mom owned tacky Halloween sweaters, long sleeve shirts, vests, and earrings. She owned Thanksgiving sweaters, long sleeve Thanksgiving shirts, Turkey vests, and Cornucopia earrings and she had an arsenal of Christmas sweaters, long sleeve Christmas shirts, Christmas vests, and Christmas earrings.  Whats worse than getting picked by your mom rocking mom jeans? Your mom rocking mom jeans, an obnoxious Christmas sweater, jingle belles on her ears, and a turtle neck with little ho ho ho’s all over her shirt. She looked like Santa drank too much the night before and threw up Christmas all over her.

Thankfully, two of her best friends told her it’s time to retire the “Cracker Factory Sweaters” and start dressing normal around the Holiday’s. It wasn’t an easy one but after some time the awful Christmas attire made it’s way to a box and was put in the attic for a long period of time. High School goes by, and it wasn’t until college that the ugly Christmas sweater made its re-debut.

My roommates and I got an invite to a friends ugly Christmas sweater party and I basically shit myself.  Everyone quickly to be creative and run to the nearest thrift shop and try to find the tackiest sweater that could possibly resemble Christmas. Luckily for me, my shit was vintage, and I knew for a fact that NOBODY would be rocking what I rocked. I drove home and told my mom the great news. She didn’t find it funny, and was frankly a little annoyed that her ‘expensive‘ sweaters would be used as a joke. I ended up taking 3 sweaters and a vest for myself and my roommates and I was ready to rock that party.

Best part is one of our family friends was at the party and his mom just so happens to be one of my moms best friends who told her to put the Christmas sweaters to rest. As soon as I walked in he came up to me and said “These are definitely your moms sweaters!”

Here are some pics, all the guys were styled by my mom’s God awful sweaters.

Trev rocking the tree, I'm in the red, Billy in the vest, Chris Kelz in the green

Thanks mom...

Full frontal of my creepy Christmas sledding scene..

If you plan on hosting an Ugly Christmas Sweater party this year, give me a call. I’ve got about 2 boxes of sweaters in my attic. Also for future reference , if you want pilgrims, I got pilgrims. If you want Cornucopias and Indians with Turkeys running around, I have those too. Halloween related sweaters are available upon request…

And I can say, with this post I officially started the Christmas Scene…are you ready for Christmas?


He’s baaaack

Sorry I have been so MIA as of late, but I have been crazy busy and couldn’t get around to the Bible. I will give you an extra large post today to make up for my time away.

So lets get balls deep into this..

Friday night stole the show this weekend.  Saturday was one of those nights that in retrospective, I should have just stayed home.

Friday, Gene, Amanda, Paul, and Gene’s buddy Andy went to the city. Genie is now officially a video hoe, so he had to attend the Music Video premiere. Which I decided to show you guys. (skip to 47 seconds, killed it with those head movements) Paul, Amanda, and myself went to visit our friend Kristin at her apartment and then head to the bars.

We went to a few bars and ended up meeting up with Gene when he got out of the premiere. Paul decided to bring us to the other side of the city so we can meet up with his sister Theresa. At first, I’ll admit it, I was skeptical. We drove basically to what felt like Minnesota, and I had to wait like 15 minutes to get in. Naturally, this was pissing me off. Once we got in, the juice was most definitely worth the squeeze. The bar was a lot of fun, they played good music, everyone was shaking it, and Theresa straight up was killing it. We stayed at the bar for awhile, but it felt like 5 minutes. Nights like Friday are the best though, no one has a definite plan, and we just winged it.

Everyone seemed to have their best faces on..

Only cool kids rock blazers and drink Chardonnay out...

 

Genie looks too happy, and I just look like garbage

 

Amanda with the face, and Theresa getting dirty behind her

Willing to bet this was during mmmm bop

Overall, Friday was a great night. Like I said in a previous post, I like to say I’m moving to wherever I was the night before. So yes, NYC you are the flavor of the month right now, but my friends and I rented a Ski House for New Years Eve, who know’s…I may start calling Hunter Mountain home?

 

On a random side note – For those wondering, yes..I have been rehired. Working here has its perks, I can honestly tell you that last week I worked 1 full day. I got paid, not full pay, but I still got paid for the week so I’m feeling it.

On an even more random note– Since i’m working at the family company I occasionally send out my resume to places just to see what’s out there. I figured, since I have this blog that now i’m instantly qualified for blogging positions. I thought it was a great idea, however now I realize, I can’t send this shit to anyone..who will hire me as a staff blogger when my first blog is called “Hangoverbible” and all I do is talk about how my friends and I are animals. Well I guess on the bright side, if people like Amanda can be a teacher by day and throw up on the side of the road by night, i’m in the clear.

Finally –

Thanksgiving is basically here. I’m not a huge fan of the Holiday, I think Turkey is as boring as that girl that plans Emily Thorn on Revenge. However, I do love the night before, Thanksgiving Eve. Hilarious how you can turn anything into an “Eve” and make it drinking related. Birthday Eve, Halloween Eve, Easter Eve, St. Patrick’s Day Eve, Homecoming Eve..the list can go on, you get my point though. Ridiculous things have happened on Thanksgiving Eve for me.

Last year – My mom wouldn’t let us pregame in the house because we have Thanksgiving at my house and she was all set up and didn’t want me and “my animals” (what she likes to call us) ruining the house. So like 16 year olds my friends and I drank in my freezing cold garage before we went to the bar.

Two years ago – We went to some lounge, we were all shocked at how dead it was, not realizing they had an upstairs that was insanely packed. Will and Derek ended up going to another club. Spanish and I decided to go home on the train. We got in a huge train fight, basically 15 guys and girls vs Spanish and myself. This all ended with Spanish spraying a girl with her water bottle soaked in Vodka. I went back to my house that I had at school and waited for my friends to come back and meet me. They never did until 8am when I heard pounding on my door. They were lost in New Rochelle trying to find my house and both of their phones died. Not happy campers on the drive home.

With my last two Thanksgiving Eve’s going that way, I can’t wait to see how this one pans out.

Happy Thanksgiving! 

 

 


Liquored Nights

I’m not a believer in the whole “beer before liquor never been sicker” and “liquor before beer and your in the clear” garbage. However, I am a little bitch when it comes to anything Tequila related.

So I decided, let me take you through the motions of what these bad boys do to me.

Vodka 

Vodka is by far my favorite liquor. We have an excellent relationship with each other. Like any relationship, we have had our up’s and down’s. Vodka got me through a tough time when I couldn’t stand the taste of beer due to a horribly drunken night. (That sounds insane but its the truth.)

Some GooseBall in the Hotel

The famous bottle from the debut Throwback story

I’m not one of those people who discriminant Vodkas. My only preference is anything but Popov and Georgi.

A quick Vodka related story – Freshman year of college some of the girls would play a little game called “SHOTS!”. Take 5 seconds to try to imagine how to play the game. Ready? Okay, basically they sat around going about their daily routine and when 1 of the girls screamed “SHOT!” they took shots. I walked in the room during this game and it looked like a war zone. The three of them were beyond drunk, one had the balls to yell SHOT! and they still tried to take the shot. Make a long story short, one girl had to go to the hospital, the other girl fell off her bed in the middle of the night and woke up with her head in the garbage, and the other girl was fine.

I will keep these three classy ladies nameless.

Moving on from Vodka, lets dabble with Whiskey.

I’ve had my period of time when Jack  was my go to liquor. Shots of Jack, Jack and Coke, Jack and Ginger, these were all my favorite drinks. I enjoyed it but it was a known fact that whenever I was going out, I would be blacking out and waking up the next morning scared as to what I did the night before. It was a vicious cycle. It was summer 2010 that I was knee deep in my Jack Daniels phase. I can attest to that fact that every night I went out that summer, I blacked out. Not one of my finer moments but what are you going to do?

A quick Whiskey related story – When I was 20, a group of us went to Montreal for New Years Eve.  After what felt like the longest drive of my life, we got there and wanted to start drinking right away. The hotel we stayed at gave us 2 free drink vouchers so we instantly went to work. Of course, still being  in my Jack phase, I wanted a Jack and coke, or whatever would be closest to it. I basically nibbled on some whack ass sandwich and we headed to the liquor store to get stocked up for that weekend. After a nice Jack pregame we all headed out to a bar crawl in Montreal. About 6 of us decided we would buy each other rounds of shots. After 5 rounds of Jack shots, I was pretty close to death but we still had 1 more round left and I wasn’t passing up on the free shot. My socially inept friend ordered the round of Jack but didn’t ask the bartender to chill it first. I shot back a piss warm shot of Jack and basically said hello to my downfall. As I was walking by the bouncer I threw up on the floor next to him. We got kicked out of that bar so we decided to go to another bar. (I had no business going anywhere but home) Once we got in the other bar I decided to puke in the bathroom, lay there by the toilet for awhile and basically had to have my friend pick me up and end the night.

Moral of the story – Chill the Jack first, asshole.

This picture was taken at the bar before it all happened

If you can't tell this is after the fact

Finally my least favorite of  ’em all…Tequila.

I have always hated Tequila. I envy people who love Tequila and can do shot after shot of it. The people that can do a Tequila shot without the salt, lime, and constipated face after might even have super human powers. I really have tried my best to like Tequila, hell I even tried to just build somewhat of a tolerance for it, but it never works. One shot of Tequila is okay, but two or more shots and i’m fucked. I get violent, and puking is 100% going to happen. My hangovers the next day are out of this world.

Here’s a little Tequila story for you – Christmas night I have sort of a tradition with my friend Shannon. I would go over to her uncles house after I left my family for Christmas and her Christmas would be winding down. Shannon, her uncle and I would get absolutely bombed. This one year Uncle  decided to show us how to do Tequila poppers. Basically you fill a shot glass with Tequila about 90% and put a drop of Ginger Ale in them and cover the top, slam it on the counter and take the shot while it fizzed. We did so many of these that we were all so drunk  that baby Jesus’ birthday was an afterthought. Uncle’s family had been woken up by the constant slamming of shot glasses on the  granite counter top and it was time to end the night. My favorite part of the night was that this was all being done in one of the funniest looking sweaters I think someone ever got as a gift. Shannon’s mom got her this sweater for Christmas and it till this day cracks me up thinking about it. Back to the story…I ended up being so drunk that I had to be driven home by Shannon’s dad and her uncle had to drive my car behind Shannon’s dad so that my car would be home. My parents watched the whole thing through their window and then I decided to violently puke when I got home. Merry Christmas.

She even had an ugly Christmas sweater party at college and wore it

What is your favorite liquor?