Category Archives: FIlms

Ugly Christmas Sweaters

Well this is a topic my mom can write about for days and days. She is a victim to owning about 25-30 ugly Christmas sweaters, but here is the kicker, she didn’t think they were ugly. My grandmother would buy my mom these horrid looking sweaters every year, and if you think it stopped at Christmas you are DEAD wrong. My mom owned tacky Halloween sweaters, long sleeve shirts, vests, and earrings. She owned Thanksgiving sweaters, long sleeve Thanksgiving shirts, Turkey vests, and Cornucopia earrings and she had an arsenal of Christmas sweaters, long sleeve Christmas shirts, Christmas vests, and Christmas earrings.  Whats worse than getting picked by your mom rocking mom jeans? Your mom rocking mom jeans, an obnoxious Christmas sweater, jingle belles on her ears, and a turtle neck with little ho ho ho’s all over her shirt. She looked like Santa drank too much the night before and threw up Christmas all over her.

Thankfully, two of her best friends told her it’s time to retire the “Cracker Factory Sweaters” and start dressing normal around the Holiday’s. It wasn’t an easy one but after some time the awful Christmas attire made it’s way to a box and was put in the attic for a long period of time. High School goes by, and it wasn’t until college that the ugly Christmas sweater made its re-debut.

My roommates and I got an invite to a friends ugly Christmas sweater party and I basically shit myself.  Everyone quickly to be creative and run to the nearest thrift shop and try to find the tackiest sweater that could possibly resemble Christmas. Luckily for me, my shit was vintage, and I knew for a fact that NOBODY would be rocking what I rocked. I drove home and told my mom the great news. She didn’t find it funny, and was frankly a little annoyed that her ‘expensive‘ sweaters would be used as a joke. I ended up taking 3 sweaters and a vest for myself and my roommates and I was ready to rock that party.

Best part is one of our family friends was at the party and his mom just so happens to be one of my moms best friends who told her to put the Christmas sweaters to rest. As soon as I walked in he came up to me and said “These are definitely your moms sweaters!”

Here are some pics, all the guys were styled by my mom’s God awful sweaters.

Trev rocking the tree, I'm in the red, Billy in the vest, Chris Kelz in the green

Thanks mom...

Full frontal of my creepy Christmas sledding scene..

If you plan on hosting an Ugly Christmas Sweater party this year, give me a call. I’ve got about 2 boxes of sweaters in my attic. Also for future reference , if you want pilgrims, I got pilgrims. If you want Cornucopias and Indians with Turkeys running around, I have those too. Halloween related sweaters are available upon request…

And I can say, with this post I officially started the Christmas Scene…are you ready for Christmas?


Liquored Nights

I’m not a believer in the whole “beer before liquor never been sicker” and “liquor before beer and your in the clear” garbage. However, I am a little bitch when it comes to anything Tequila related.

So I decided, let me take you through the motions of what these bad boys do to me.

Vodka 

Vodka is by far my favorite liquor. We have an excellent relationship with each other. Like any relationship, we have had our up’s and down’s. Vodka got me through a tough time when I couldn’t stand the taste of beer due to a horribly drunken night. (That sounds insane but its the truth.)

Some GooseBall in the Hotel

The famous bottle from the debut Throwback story

I’m not one of those people who discriminant Vodkas. My only preference is anything but Popov and Georgi.

A quick Vodka related story – Freshman year of college some of the girls would play a little game called “SHOTS!”. Take 5 seconds to try to imagine how to play the game. Ready? Okay, basically they sat around going about their daily routine and when 1 of the girls screamed “SHOT!” they took shots. I walked in the room during this game and it looked like a war zone. The three of them were beyond drunk, one had the balls to yell SHOT! and they still tried to take the shot. Make a long story short, one girl had to go to the hospital, the other girl fell off her bed in the middle of the night and woke up with her head in the garbage, and the other girl was fine.

I will keep these three classy ladies nameless.

Moving on from Vodka, lets dabble with Whiskey.

I’ve had my period of time when Jack  was my go to liquor. Shots of Jack, Jack and Coke, Jack and Ginger, these were all my favorite drinks. I enjoyed it but it was a known fact that whenever I was going out, I would be blacking out and waking up the next morning scared as to what I did the night before. It was a vicious cycle. It was summer 2010 that I was knee deep in my Jack Daniels phase. I can attest to that fact that every night I went out that summer, I blacked out. Not one of my finer moments but what are you going to do?

A quick Whiskey related story – When I was 20, a group of us went to Montreal for New Years Eve.  After what felt like the longest drive of my life, we got there and wanted to start drinking right away. The hotel we stayed at gave us 2 free drink vouchers so we instantly went to work. Of course, still being  in my Jack phase, I wanted a Jack and coke, or whatever would be closest to it. I basically nibbled on some whack ass sandwich and we headed to the liquor store to get stocked up for that weekend. After a nice Jack pregame we all headed out to a bar crawl in Montreal. About 6 of us decided we would buy each other rounds of shots. After 5 rounds of Jack shots, I was pretty close to death but we still had 1 more round left and I wasn’t passing up on the free shot. My socially inept friend ordered the round of Jack but didn’t ask the bartender to chill it first. I shot back a piss warm shot of Jack and basically said hello to my downfall. As I was walking by the bouncer I threw up on the floor next to him. We got kicked out of that bar so we decided to go to another bar. (I had no business going anywhere but home) Once we got in the other bar I decided to puke in the bathroom, lay there by the toilet for awhile and basically had to have my friend pick me up and end the night.

Moral of the story – Chill the Jack first, asshole.

This picture was taken at the bar before it all happened

If you can't tell this is after the fact

Finally my least favorite of  ’em all…Tequila.

I have always hated Tequila. I envy people who love Tequila and can do shot after shot of it. The people that can do a Tequila shot without the salt, lime, and constipated face after might even have super human powers. I really have tried my best to like Tequila, hell I even tried to just build somewhat of a tolerance for it, but it never works. One shot of Tequila is okay, but two or more shots and i’m fucked. I get violent, and puking is 100% going to happen. My hangovers the next day are out of this world.

Here’s a little Tequila story for you – Christmas night I have sort of a tradition with my friend Shannon. I would go over to her uncles house after I left my family for Christmas and her Christmas would be winding down. Shannon, her uncle and I would get absolutely bombed. This one year Uncle  decided to show us how to do Tequila poppers. Basically you fill a shot glass with Tequila about 90% and put a drop of Ginger Ale in them and cover the top, slam it on the counter and take the shot while it fizzed. We did so many of these that we were all so drunk  that baby Jesus’ birthday was an afterthought. Uncle’s family had been woken up by the constant slamming of shot glasses on the  granite counter top and it was time to end the night. My favorite part of the night was that this was all being done in one of the funniest looking sweaters I think someone ever got as a gift. Shannon’s mom got her this sweater for Christmas and it till this day cracks me up thinking about it. Back to the story…I ended up being so drunk that I had to be driven home by Shannon’s dad and her uncle had to drive my car behind Shannon’s dad so that my car would be home. My parents watched the whole thing through their window and then I decided to violently puke when I got home. Merry Christmas.

She even had an ugly Christmas sweater party at college and wore it

What is your favorite liquor?


Thursday Throwback – Weekend Class

Ahh it’s Thursday already, I don’t know about you but this week fleeew. (3 E’s to show how fast it went) I love weekends like this one coming up, homecoming weekend at my college, so I know exactly what I am in store for.

As promised, every Thursday at the Bible is “Thursday Throwback“. This is where I tell you a ridiculous story from the past. Here we go…

Weekend Film Class

Senior year of college I wanted to do the least amount of work as possible. I was already at the point where I would make my own snow day’s and even rain day’s . When I was a Junior I took a film class titled “It’s not TV, it’s HBO”. This class was an absolute cake walk. Two weekends long of watching all HBO shows. Where do I sign up? Senior year rolls around and I want to do the same film class. I signed up for it right away, along with my roommate Trevor and my friend Mia. When reading the fine print on the class description, it wasn’t HBO it was Cinema through the years. I’m talking black and white, subtitles and any other headache you can imagine.

I played it cool when I took the class Junior year. I didn’t go out the weekends I had class. It was only two weekends out of the semester, but it met Friday 5:30-10, Saturday and Sunday 8:30-5:30. Plus, the thought of sitting through this class with a hangover sounded like torture. Now-a-days waking up at 8:30 is nothing, but in College, I didn’t see sunlight until noon.

After the first class on Friday, Trevor, Mia, and I decided we didn’t give a shit about film class, were all going out this weekend no matter what. The three of us, along with a bunch of our friends went out Friday night. We kept it pretty cool, nothing too crazy. Sitting in class Saturday wasn’t a problem at all, we had breakfast and took a nap for a few hours. Class was a breeze on Saturday, so of course, were going out again. Saturday night wasn’t like Friday night, we went HARD. Tequila shots toasting to weekend class hard. We weren’t the only ones from the class out so we felt like it was okay. Getting home at 3, passing out and waking up for a simple class of doing nothing all day, sounds easy enough right?

Wrong.

Trevor and I walked into class, looking and feeling like we were brutally beaten the night before. The class looked like we were walking into a cult. Hoods on, heads down, pure silence. Mia wasn’t in class yet, she was very drunk the night before and we got worried that we might have lost a soldier on this mission. A few minutes later Mia walked into class, took a seat by Trev and I, and we didn’t speak at all. About an hour has gone by and nothing has changed. Mia’s hand was shaking uncontrollably, Trevor was white as a ghost, and I was about a second  away from throwing up. Finally, Mia decided to get up and take one for the team. She got up, ran to the bathroom and threw up. Shortly after she came back, Trevor got up and ran to the bathroom to throw up. Once he got back, I said fuck it, i’m in the same boat as them, so I got up and thew up. In the course of 30 minutes, three students got up, ran  out of class and threw up. Of course, one is never enough for me so I had to get up again, run to the bathroom and puke for the second time. I’m not a discreet puker, actually i’m not discreet at anything for that matter, so there is a very strong chance the teacher heard all this going on.

Once the three pioneers of puke were finished, scattered people from the class were discreetly getting up and doing it. We started a trend!

Trev and I on graduation

Mia and I on my birthday

It wasn’t one of my finer moments in life, but it made for a great story. And the answer is Yes, I would take the weekend class again, and Yes, I would still go out during it.

Have you ever thrown up during a class due to a hangover?


Billy Bates

I know, what your thinking. “This guy, vanishes for four days and then hits us with two posts in one day?” The answer is yes, I can do whatever I want on this blog haha

This post is unrelated to drinking/hangovers/nightlife and everything in between. But it’s very near and dear to me. One of my best friends from childhood, Julie Pacino is now a film producer. Her birthday just passed and I told her I would do a post for her. I want you all to take a look at this awesome new film she has been working on.

Check it out: Billy Bates Project. Julie and Jen are incredibly talented, ever since we were young Julie has had a camera in her hand, doing out of control things, so it’s great to see her following her dream. Proud of ya Jul!

Let me know what you guys think of her work…

JP and I throoowbaaaack

PS. – Happy Birthday Jul!!